A Difficult Decision

What do you do when you have an extremely difficult decision to make?  Well, if you are Robert and I, you pray and discuss and sometimes cry.

We had a difficult decision to make this month.  It became obvious to us that one of the children we were planning to adopt had some deep emotional (possibly psychological) and behavioral issues that would require some intense therapy.

Over time it began to become clear that we would not be able to provide the help and the amount of attention that this child needed.  We eventually came to the decision that we needed to ask for the child to be remove from our care.  DSS agreed and it was ultimately decided that all three children would leave our home.

The children were officially removed January 16th.  We are saddened that this adoption did not go as we had hoped.  At this point we are trying to understand what God was trying to accomplish through all of this.  We are searching for what He was possibly trying to teach us through this as well.

We ask that you pray for us as we are adjusting back to a four person family.  We ask that you pray for the kids in their new placements.  We ask that you pray that God will reveal His purpose to us.

We are at peace with our decision, but that doesn't make it easy at all times.  Thanks for caring, thanks for checking in on us, thank you for loving us and pray for us.  We love you friends!

Noel

Home, Chaotic Home

Those of you who know us know that we welcomed a sibling group of three into our home November 23, 2013.  In addition to our 15 & 12 year old sons, we now have a 6 year old daughter, a 5 year old son, and a 4 year old daughter.  We are not allowed to post their names or pictures until they are legally ours...that's driving me crazy!

Many have asked how things are going...well the title of this blog post should tell you.  Our home is pretty chaotic right now.  We expected that, although that doesn't make it any easier.  I have already spent many nights in tears.  I have wondered why God has called us to such a difficult task.  I think part of the reason is that He knows we will lean on Him and not give up on these kids as others have in the past.  I think this will easily be the hardest thing He has ever called me to.  I also think the end result will be one of the most rewarding experiences of my life.

How are the kids adjusting?  Our 15 & 12 year olds are starting to adjust, but it may be awhile before they fully feel like our little ones are their siblings...but I know God is able to bond our kids together beyond what I can imagine.  Our little ones have some deeply ingrained behaviors that we are working on changing.  We work a lot on listening, not whining, being careful with others belongings, telling the truth, sharing, and not all talking at once.  It is frustrating, yes...but when you start to see some change it makes you more proud than you thought possible.

My goals for the future are that all my kids know they are loved by us and our merciful God.  To show love.  To show mercy and grace.  To make my family feel safe.  To produce happy and successful adults.  To demonstrate kindness so that they will desire to do the same.  To make sure my kids all know that they are worth every effort, every tear, every happy moment, and every minute that I give them.

I will not quit on them.  God didn't give up on me when most people did...how could I not show the same faithfulness to my children?  I am an image bearer of Christ!  How I pray that when my kids look at me they see Jesus!

Blessings friends...have a Merry Christmas ☺

Adoption myths that need to be disproved

Recently in a Bible study I was involved in a sweet lady was talking about adopting her child and a collection was being taken up for that church's adoption ministry to assist those seeking to adopt.  She spoke of how extremely expensive it was and how God had provided the money for them over a period of time.  I was happy for her and her family, but I was screaming inside!  You see, there is a common myth/misconception out there that it costs tens of thousands of dollars to adopt a child.  That is not always the case!

If you chose to go the private or international route, then it will absolutely cost you $25,000 or more.  However, if you chose to adopt through SC DSS it will cost you very little, if anything at all.  The only fees we are required to pay through DSS are attorney fees at the time of finalization.  After finalization, you qualify for a tax credit of $3,000 per child...that will pay for the attorney fees, or at least most of them, depending on how much your attorney charges.  Now obviously there will be other costs such as items needed to prepare your home, but you will have those cost whichever route you choose.  

In addition to your tax credit, many companies now have adoption assistance programs.  Many children in DSS care also qualify for a negotiable stipend to help offset care costs.  This is a monthly amount that you receive for each child until they are 18.  DSS children also qualify for Medicaid until they are 18, or 21 if they are in school.

Adoption will also cost you pieces of your heart.  You will give those to your child(ren) when you meet them.  It will cost you some sleepless nights, some tears, some frustration, some energy as well as some laughter, play time, and lots of smiles and hugs.  

The second myth/misconception is that the children in foster care are all too damaged to adopt.  This is SO not true.  There are some wonderful, caring, scared children in care through no fault of their own that want a family to call their own.  Someone to love them.  Someone to share life with.  Someone to visit on holidays when they are grown.  Someone to show them that they are worth the effort.  Someone to just allow them to be children.  While their are some severely hurt children in DSS care, they are not beyond repair.  It may take some hard work, some tough love, and some hard times...but they are worth it.  God created these precious ones and loves them.  We are all hurt and damaged in many ways, what makes them any different?  God found me worth loving and saving and I know I was pretty rotten.  If He can extend such grace, love and mercy to a wretched sinner like me, shouldn't I offer the same to my children?

I know that this road will take some patience, some consistency, some tears.  I also know that we will see our children change and grow before our eyes and we will be amazed at what God has done through us.  May we always give glory to Him.  We can do nothing in our own strength, only through His!  

I hope that you will pray with us.  Pray for all the children who are in our system waiting for homes.  Pray for adoptive families to have their hearts open to receive these children, love them, and work with them.  Pray the social workers who have the task of matching children with families...what a huge responsibility!  Pray for foster care and children's home workers that they will have strength, patience and rest as they care for children waiting for homes.  Lastly, I ask that you pray for Robert, Rob, James and I as we prepare to welcome children into our home, our family and our hearts.

My cup runneth over!  Blessings to you friends...thanks for stopping by.

Noel

Is Parenting a Toddler Like Riding a Bike?

Just curious...is parenting a toddler like riding a bike?  You know, once you learn to ride a bike people say you could not ride one for years and still be able to pick one up and take off if you chose to.  Is it the same with parenting small children?

My boys are 15 and 12, so it's been a few years since I've parented a toddler.  So this leads me to wonder, when we bring a child, or children, into our home again will I remember how to address issues toddlers have?  How do you stop the whining?  How do you stop the hitting, kicking and unwillingness to share?  How do you teach them to be truthful and to respect others?

At our church this past Sunday, we heard a sermon delivered by Dr. Nealon Brown from Focus on the Family.  (He was awesome!)  He made the statement that if God calls you, you have to trust that if you give your little bit that God will provide the rest of what you need.  It hit me square between the eyes, and right in my heart.  I have been so fearful that I won't have enough to give to the child or children God sends us.  How foolish of me!!  God has called me to adopt children and to be their Mom.  The Bible provides SO many examples of people who felt ill equipped for their calling, tried to get out of their call, and in every one of those examples God provided them with just the right amount of whatever they needed!  Why would He not do the same for me?

The answer is simple...if I put my trust in Him, He will provide what I need.  Patience on the hard days.  Rest when I'm tired.  Friends to help when I need them.  Understanding for my children and their hurts.  Healing for my children.  A cup that overflows :)

Will it always be easy?  No.  Will it always be difficult?  No.  Will God be right there in the midst of it all?  Absolutely!

Thanks for walking with us on this journey friends...it means so much to us!

Noel

Considered, But Not Chosen

So, today we received another of the dreaded emails.  We were being considered for another sibling group of three.  Two girls, one boy.  We were considered, but not chosen.  This is not the first time this has been the case for us.  Each time, a little bit of my heart breaks.  Each time, I become sad and frustrated.  Each time, I know God's timing and plan is perfect for our family.

As a Christian, I am an adopted heir of God.  I was not just considered...I was CHOSEN!  It is still amazing to me that a holy, righteous, perfect God would chose to call me His own.  He is my Father, my friend, my defender, my shelter, giver of life, giver of every perfect gift!  I know that He has picked the perfect path for our family.  We must wait on His timing, continue to pray, and follow His leading.  These are the things I strive for on a daily basis.

So, having not been chosen for this group of siblings, we will continue to wait on God and prepare our home and our hearts for our future children.  While it is disappointing to not be chosen, I can't help but think of the families that have got THE calls on these sibling groups.  How excited and nervous they must be!  I pray that God will be glorified and the paths to family unity will be smooth for these precious little ones.

Our choir sang a song not too long ago called God You Are God and the first verse comes to mind through this journey:

I will wait and be still

Knowing you're in control

Restlessness leave this heart

This heart that's held strong in it's weakness.

I am called to wait and be still...to know He is God and He is in control.  My heart is restless and anxious.  However, in my weakest moments, God holds my heart...He is strong when I am weak.  I have a called heart.  It is called to adoption.  When God calls you to something He will ALWAYS walk with you and equip you for the call.  He is faithful.  He is an on-time God!  Every day we wait, He further equips us for the fulfillment of our calling!

I can hardly wait to see what God is going to do :)

Still seeking Him,

Noel

Have you lost your mind?

Have you lost your mind?  I've been asked that a few times lately.  The reason?  Robert and I said we would be open to taking siblings groups of 2 or 3 children.  One person said to me "Well if you haven't lost your mind yet, you will if you take 3 kids!"  I laughed, but deep down I wondered if they were right.  Then I thought of my own siblings.

Most of you know that I am #4 in a group of 5 siblings.  I started thinking...how would I be different if I had grown up without them?

My oldest brother, Pat, is 6 years older than me...Pat taught me how to rock out to music, how to "Jump" like David Lee Roth, and how to look out for those younger than me.  I was never worried about anyone messing with me when Pat was around, I knew he would take care of me.  In our adult life, Pat has taught me how to love others regardless of their skin color or where they come from.  He is a father to the fatherless everyday and couldn't love those kids more if they were biologically his.  What a great example for an adoptive parent to have!

Next in line is my brother Todd.  Todd is 4 years older than me.  Todd was the one who, in my rebellious and dramatic teenage years, would always come to my room after I had fought with my parents and make me smile again.  It didn't hurt that he would bring chocolate sometimes too :)  Todd taught me the rules of football and baseball and I always enjoyed going to the movies together too.  He always made me feel that no matter what happened in my life, there was always someone there that loved me and was on my side.

The third child is my sister, Jodi.  Jodi is 2 years older than me.  Jodi and I have always had a strained relationship.  This was never the way I wanted it to be, but how it was none the less.  Even with a distant relationship she has taught me things as well.  She taught me how to fight back and stand up for myself when I needed to.  This has helped me many times in my adult life.  She has taught me forgiveness...not necessarily because she forgave, but because she needed forgiveness.  There were times we were closer and she taught me things like how to tease my hair to get those perfect 80's flips and wings, how to make a mudpie...and the perfect consistency at which to throw it at your brothers, and how to dance like a Solid Gold dancer...hahaha!

The last child in our family is my brother, Adam.  Adam is 5 years younger than me.  When he came along I was not to thrilled to be replaced as the baby of the family.  The first thing he taught me was that dogs, in fact, will not come take a baby away just cause you want them to...hahaha!  (I'm glad they didn't!)  Growing up I was pretty ugly to Adam.  He took some harassment and I beat on him, but he always came back to try again....or to irritate me a little more :-P  As we got older, something happened...I started to enjoy him being around.  I realized that he was actually a pretty funny kid.  We have had so many good times since then just goofing off, singing badly to the radio, laughing at things our parents said (REAGAN DIED!), and just enjoying each others company.  I have got to see him grow into a man who loves his family, loves the teenagers he works with, and loves God.

So why would I not take 3 kids?  How could anyone not want to help children stay together when they have already lost so much?  How would it change their lives and who they will become if they were to be separated?

I am under no illusion that it will be an easy road if we adopt three children.  It won't always be easy with just one either.  God will provide Robert and I with the skills and strength we need to raise the child, or children, He has for us...I do not doubt that!

So, maybe we are a little crazy.  That's ok...it makes life more interesting, and fun.

Seeking Him,

Noel

An introduction, of sorts

Welcome friends :)

If you know me personally, then you know that our family is currently going through the process of adoption.  I decided to start this blog to keep everyone updated on where we are in the process, some thoughts and feelings we may be having, and things that God is showing us through this process.  

We began this journey in November, 2011.  We attended an orientation meeting with the SC Department of Social Services and signed up for our required training.  Shortly after that meeting, DSS decided to revamp their training locations and schedule.  We were not able to go to training until May, 2012.  During our waiting period, we began to work on necessary paperwork.  We weren't in a great hurry to finish the paperwork since we could not be considered as an adoptive family until training had been completed.  Our plan was to turn in paperwork once the training was completed.  During the training sessions we discovered that we were not given a complete packet at our orientation.  There were more forms to fill out, our entire family had to have physicals, and we had to arrange our home study and fire inspections.  There was more left to do than we realized!

It took several additional months to arrange all the appointments for physicals, fire inspection, DHEC inspection and our home study visits.  We received our official approval from DSS at the beginning of November, 2012 and have been waiting for a placement since that time.

Many have asked us why we want to adopt.  My best answer seems weak...we just want to.  We have talked about adoption our entire marriage, and a few times before we were married.  It has always been something that we have both felt God called us to do.  

Others have asked if we truly think we can love a child (or children) that is not biologically ours just as much as we love our boys.  My answer?  Absolutely!  God made me to be a Mom...it doesn't matter if I carry them in my body or not, my heart will love them just as much.

Many have asked how our boys feel about the adoption.  As with most any child, our boys have questions and concerns.  Will the new child like them?  Where will they stay?  Will Mom and Dad still have enough time for me?  We discuss these things with the boys and try to assure them that things will be okay.  It will be different.  It will, at times, be challenging.  It will be stressful.  IT WILL BE WORTH IT!  

So, where are we now?  We are waiting.  You know, I think God has a quirky sense of humor sometimes.  He knows that I am not the most patient of people when I am waiting.  When Robert and I decided to have our two boys it took about a year and a half before I was expecting (with both of them).  Add to that year and a half the nine months it took for them to be born and you are up to 27 months.  Wouldn't it be just like God to make me wait that long again?  I think so :)  If so, we would have a placement February 2015 (counting from our official approval date).  Hopefully it will be sooner :)

So, I ask that you pray for us.  Pray that I will wait patiently on God's timing.  (Notice how I didn't ask that you pray for patience for me...hahaha!)  Pray that while we wait that our forever child will be safe, loved and protected.  Pray that while we continue to seek the Lord's guidance in this matter that He will make the way clear to us.  Pray that God will give me peace and strength...my heart aches for this child that I haven't met yet...she has already taken a piece of my heart.  

I will strive to post regularly through this process and continue to do so once we have a placement.  Please understand that I cannot and will not share much information about our child before things are finalized.  Some information will not be shared ever...it's their life story and the relaying of that story is up to them.  Legally we are not allowed to post pictures or share their name until they are legally ours.  Just so you know :)

Seeking Him,

Noel